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Mellemel
December 2006
 
 
 
 
 
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Sun, Dec. 10th, 2006 10:41 pm

Wow, I've really let time pass since last updating, huh?

I can't even remember the last thing I posted about. I'm still single, man-free, and child-free. I'll be turning 30 in March. It is a very frightening thought! I went to look at a newly built townhouse today. I can't afford it. Well...I could if I only had about $40K more for a downpayment or if stopped eating and stopped driving a car. Eeks. I can't understand how some people think nothing of buying a $70K car or a $600K home.

This year has been fun, but for the most part it's been boring. In March, I took a trip to San Fran for a birthday party. In May some old friends from college came down for a visit. Two friends from high school came for a visit in August. Then I took a 2 week vacation to Peru (the most exciting thing I've done in years) in September. Had more old friends from college visiting in November. Now it's already December! I will be flying home for Christmas come Dec 21st. I'm totally not ready for the holidays to be here and I haven't done a stich of Xmas shopping, but I really need the vacation. Work is hell and I don't think I'm any good at my profession. I used to think of myself as being quite ambitious, but I don't think I am at all anymore.

The only thing that has been remotely exciting is that I have the hugest crush on someone at the office. He barely knows I exist and I am much to shy to ever act on it, but he's just so darn cute. Too bad I've been feeding my stress and I've been eating cookies and cake for the last month straight.

Anyway other than all that usual bullcrap, life is good. My cats are fat and happy. San Diego is still beautiful and thankfully those horrible summer heatwaves are gone. I really want to travel the world in the next few years. It's unfortunate that I always feel so responsible and I tell myself I have to save up for a house!

OK it's late. I've gotta get to it.

Current Mood: tired tired

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Mon, Aug. 15th, 2005 09:45 pm

Right now i am just packing and watching Laguna Beach. The show is horrible but totally addicting! I can't get myself to stop watching it! I'm not sure if I like LC or Kristin better. LC seemed like the nicer one in Season 1 but Kristin is appealing for being so much less needy.

Today my boss made a comment about how it must be sad for me that "all [my] friends are getting married or having babies." WTF. It's not even true that all my friends are getting married or having babies. But that's not the point. I guess he was trying to inform me that in a few years I'll be barren and dried up and I'll regret not getting married younger. I didn't know that 28 meant being dried up! It's kind of funny since my boss tells me all the time that his wife was like his sister when they got married. That's pretty fucking gross.

Then later today we were talking about cars and I said I couldn't get a new car that is slower than my current car (a Jetta). He came back about 30 mins later and said that he thought it was an interesting comment that I made...he said being that I am so "conservative, [he] thought [I] would want something slower than something faster." Again: WTF?! Who the hell would want a car that is slower than the car they already have??? And it's not like I said I wanted a fucking Ferrari or red Mustang or something. Bizarre-o. It made me want to punch him. Apparently, since I don't dress like a slut at work he broadly labels me as "conservative." Go to hell, Fuckface! I absolutely hate people like him who think they know you even when they know nothing at all about you...

Anyway I'm really sad. J told me today that he wasn't able to get his work visa. Apparently the US has a quota and they only give a certain number of visas every year. So somehow he missed out and he was all ready to settle down here and stay for a few more years. It's totally fucked up. I hope they can figure something out so he can stay. I offered to let him marry me but I can't lie well enough to have it work out. :-) But it makes me sad. I don't want him to leave the country. I don't even want him to leave my company since he makes work alot more fun and I would be really lonely.

Current Mood: busy busy

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Sun, Aug. 7th, 2005 12:42 am

last night i went out with some coworkers to celebrate someone's last day. it was cool...it was way better than i thought it would be. i picked up L and was running pretty late and then we went over to J's apt to meet him and his gf. she is so pretty. J is such a nice person. he made us all these fancy drinks in fancy glasses for us before we left and it was so nice and sweet. i've never had a friend make such elaborate drinks, it's usually like "here's a rum and coke!"

anyway that was really cool. i think i was getting too loud. but anyway. we ended up going to Lip's for one of their dinner shows. it was really fun. poor J was getting picked on from the moment we walked in the door because all the drag queens thought he was hot. at the beginning of the show one of the "girls" gave him a lap dance. at the end of the show they pulled him on stage and ended up taking his shirt off and putting whipped cream all over his chest. it was hilarious but totally embarrassing too. he was such a good sport. he is a really cool guy and i hope he and his gf end up really happy together. they make a great looking couple and seem really sweet together. i don't know if i'll be able to look at him in the same way again on Monday at work. it's gonna be weird/funny/awkward, i'm sure.

Current Mood: calm calm

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Sun, Jul. 31st, 2005 11:36 pm

hey. I decided it's time for another entry.

Um...work is lame. It is boring as all hell. I'm tired with doing the same thing everyday and working amongst my boss's messes. I've noticed he has insanely hairy arms (well this was actually pointed out by the interns but I had already noted the fact) and really large nostrils. It's so...off-putting. It's just boring and I dread waking up every morning to go in. Nobody listens to a radio and the silence is annoying. It makes me sad. But I guess at least I make more money than I did a year ago at my old job.

I'm still quietly lusting after the new guy at work. I've spoken to him once. Yay me! The rest of the time I just ignore him so he probably thinks I'm a stuck up bitch. He just scares all the conversation right out of me. I think he has a girlfriend though...I'm sure he has a girlfriend because he's hot and smart and tall and drives a nice car.

But not that I'm actively looking to date right now. I still miss my ex(s). I've been thinking about T a whole damn lot. He's happy now and practically married. Plus he's finally a doctor. I found him on Friendster and his girlfriend posted all these cute pictures of them together. I'm happy for him that he's happy but I still miss what we had and what we were to each other. I wish I hadn't been so young and stupid and been nicer and more giving so that maybe we would've still been together and I wouldn't be as jaded as I am now.

This weekend I thought alot about D too. He's the boyfriend I broke up with last summer. I miss what we had. I don't miss the drama and all the crap he put me through but I miss the good times we had and just having someone I could totally be myself around. It's weird how we just completely stopped talking. The last time we talked was early May and I ended up hanging up on him because he was being a total idiot. It's like practically impossible to be friends with an ex right after you break up. There was just too much weirdness and tension between us. But I miss him and I hope he misses me too. I hope I was important to him and wasn't just some forgettable girlfriend to him. But I will probably never know.

Anyway I live a super boring lifestyle these days. I hardly go out at all. My circle of friends is dwindling. I feel like my friendships with my girlfriends from high school are getting stronger even though we live thousands of miles apart but my friendships with my local friends are getting weaker. I feel like I don't know anyone anymore. I wish I could just fast forward to having a boyfriend, skip the dating part, and head towards matrimony. The highlights of my weekend generally are: watching the Food Network, reading cookbooks, visiting the public library, Costco trips, stocking up on healthy stuff at Henry's, and working out (rarely happens, but it would add a large star to my highlight tally).

I'm going to Hawaii in a few weeks for one week. My friend is getting married and it should be fun. There's alot going on in the week that I'll be there. Looking forward to it, but don't know how I'll make myself get on the plane to come back to San Diego and return to work...I really want to go on a permanent holiday and watch the Food Network 24/7. I want to move to Paris and go to culinary academy like Giada De Laurentiis. Forget all this 50 hour work week crap working for the man.

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative

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Fri, Jun. 24th, 2005 08:53 pm

i hate tom cruise. he needs to get over himself! he's disgusting!

poor katie holmes. i used to like her alot and now i think she's just a brainwashed dumbass.

:-(

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Sun, Apr. 17th, 2005 12:15 am

It's been a long time since I last wrote in this thing! I don't even remember what I last wrote and I'm too lazy to read it before I update. Things are pretty much the same as usual...I go to work 5 days a week and work more hours than I intend to and then I just relax and get all hermity and antisocial on the weekends. One good thing is that I've started working out again. I started working out alot in January and now I try to go about 4 or 5 times a week (ok 5 times if I am lucky and feeling good). But I think I've only lost ~5 lbs since I started. It isn't very much and I'm sure I'll gain it back quickly because I've been craving alot of chocolate and bad foods! :-(

I washed my non-disposable contacts down the drain last weekend. I was so upset. I am now wearing a sample pair of Acuvue disposable contacts and they are making my eyes feel really dry. I have a big problem trying to take them out of my eyes every night. Wah. I'm a wimp.

What else...Oh, I'm flying to San Fran for Memorial Day weekend and I'll be throwing a baby shower for H with my friend J. I feel totally stressed about it...I feel like I am doing everything and I think it is going to end up costing us a bundle (since we are doing it at a restaurant and planning on treating everyone). So I am really hoping that it doesn't turn into a super stressful weekend, but I am stressed that the Grandmothers and Aunts-to-be will all be flying in for the shower...

This past week I went to see one of my favoritest bands--the Killers--in concert. It was fun. But could've been funner. I need to find friends who like the same bands/music as me. I was super far from the stage and I felt super uninvolved...opening band was Tegan and Sara and they rocked out. I will probably get their CD. I just read about them today...supposedly they are identical twin lesbians....WEIRD!

Um yeah. Life is pretty boring right now. I am kinda still sad about not having a boyfriend but I don't feel ready or really interested in having a new bf, if that makes any sense. J asked me this week at work if I have been dating alot and I said "no, not at all" and he was shocked. I felt all weird, trying to explain myself. He suggested I just go out and meet new ppl and I know I need to get out more, but I also feel like the guys I get interested in are always out of my reach or unavailable.

Anyway. So this all comes up b/c D, my exboyfriend, emailed me on March 30th (I just remember because it was the day after my birthday). We exchanged emails a few times that week and then he asked me to go to lunch with him sometime. I kind of said I didn't think I would be able to. So he didn't write me for awhile and then wrote me again yesterday. It's just weird. We haven't seen/talked since the middle of December and the time before that was the end of October. Sometimes I feel like I should just be nice and talk to him because I care about him but I know he did alot of crappy things and I shouldn't have to deal with his shit anymore. I don't want to get sucked back into his drama.

oh, I'm tired. I need to sleep more.

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Sat, Feb. 12th, 2005 12:29 am

I am so excited! The Killers are going to play at Rimac this spring and tickets go on sale tomorrow morning. Aahhh total happiness! I was just saying the past few months that I wanted to see them but didn't think they were on tour or anything. I just met a guy a few weeks ago actually who said he used to kick it with the band (before they were famous). I guess he met them at the Casbah and they were cool. Now they are too cool for school so I don't think the guy talks to them anymore. I wish I had stories like that!

I am going to have to see D next week at a goodbye lunch for someone we used to work with. I am SO not excited about it...it will be awkward to say the least. I decided in honor of this special occassion (not), I needed to get a haircut. So I finally got one yesterday so I would not look like a complete slob when I see my ex. Yuck. I am sooo not ready to see him or talk to him or act like I am okay in front of everyone.

I actually saw D's car a few days ago. I was driving to work in the morning and saw his car getting off the freeway. He exits the freeway one exit before I do. My feelings for him are gone but I still think my heart skipped a beat and I got all nervous and flustered feeling. I got that weird feeling of wanting to hide even though there's no chance in hell that he saw me. It feels like I haven't seen or talked to him in years, but it's really only been less than two months since our last meeting. It was awful.

I started going to the gym again. It's okay. I was weak tonight and couldn't do very much. I have not lost any weight yet but hopefully one day I will be nice and svelte. :-)

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Sun, Jan. 23rd, 2005 09:50 am

I feel better. Everything is feeling better. I got to go home for the Xmas holiday and had time to regroup and enjoy being far from work and far from my ex. I ended up seeing him the day before I flew home for the holidays and he was a fucker. I won't go into it, but it really made me realize what a schmuck he can be. So after that, I just decided that I'm done.

Anyway so I'm back at work and I'm liking my new job more and more. I think the people I talk to the most there are the two interns from France. They are really nice, good people. I am really sad that I am building friendships with them but they will probably both go back to France when their internships end in November.

I now share an office with the sexual harrasser guy from the job I had in 99-2002. Yuck! He is is annoying and creepy. I think right now he is the biggest thing I hate about my job. I just hope that he continues to do a crappy job that they'll just fire him before he starts being a sexual harrasser again!

I am now spending alot more time at the gym. I joined a new gym in December and I like it alot. I have worked up to running 3 miles on the treadmill each time I go there. That is alot for me so I feel like dying when I am finished.

I am also trying to get into knitting. I tried to knit a baby bootie for H's new baby but it turned out retarded looking, like just a stupid sock. Does baby bootie = baby sock? I will have to think of something better to make for her baby. Maybe I will make a baby blanket or something that will last a long time.

Anyway, life is good. I don't miss D anymore...I just miss having a bf. I have been thinking back to my days with T...I think he is on the verge of being married. He was a good bf and I should've been better to him.

Current Mood: good good

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Sun, Dec. 5th, 2004 07:03 pm

..i wasn't so angry.
..i didn't wonder what he is doing.
..i didn't worry about what he thought about me.
..he didn't move on so easily.
..i didn't still feel so sad.

i finally emailed him tonight to tell him to send me a check for the money he owes me. I did the unspeakable tonight and drove by his house on the way to the library. I knew I shouldn't and it is bad breakup form, but I just wanted to punish myself. There was an SUV or something in his spare space and I don't know whose car it was. Of course I am already jumping to conclusions that he has a new girlfriend. But I guess it could be the car of one of his kids' friends but from the street it looked like a nice car, like a Mercedes SUV or something.

anyway so i broke down and wrote him. i doubt he will respond. whatever. it feels like forever ago that i guess it doesn't matter what he says anymore. It's done and it's finally starting to really feel like that.

i'm sad because i know he is not one to dwell on broken relationships, instead he moves on quickly and doesn't spend much time looking back. i was friends with him years ago when he moved out of the apartment he shared with his then-girlfriend to hook up with this lady i totally hated. he only seemed to look back years later and said that he wished things with his ex hadn't ended so badly.

i'm different. i dwell for a long time. in this case, i can't really imagine kissing another boy, even a cute boy! my heart just wouldn't respond and it would feel weird and dead inside. i think he's different, he can totally ignore the feelings in his heart and not feel sad or sick inside. i sometimes wish i could be like that, but i guess i should be happy that i'm not. i guess i should be happy that i'm not alot of the things he is. I'm not a drug user/abuser, exhusband of a bitch, father of a juvenile delinquent, or an abandoned child. maybe i thought i could save him or be there to lessen the pain but i was totally mistaken.

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Sat, Dec. 4th, 2004 08:17 pm

oh yes. I forgot to mention that the Fucker from 2001 hung himself in prison. My mom was happy about it. I don't know how I felt about it other than it seemed like the obvious easy way out.

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